I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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