you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
