put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
