Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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