remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Shame - the story of my life.
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