It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
