my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
