god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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