i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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