her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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