OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
