You're my little dorito
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
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