I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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