bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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