So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
