I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
