I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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