I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
