2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
