but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
