i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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