I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
