We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
