I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
