I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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