even my farts smell like vagina
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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