guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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