My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
