The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
