you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
