She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
