The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
