hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
