She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
foreskin is a definite game changer
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
