I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
