dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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