I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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