theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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