The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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