Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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