theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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