So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
