my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
