A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
