Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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