turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
