True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you traded sex for a burrito?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
