take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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