Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
