I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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